Transformers 3 – or Transformers: Dark of the Moon to use its official title – looks set to be one of this year’s most successful blockbusters. And now, thanks to the 30-second TV spot that aired during Sunday night’s Super Bowl, we’ve finally got some idea of what it’ll actually be about.
The good news is that Transformers 3 won’t just be a cynically thoughtless rehash of the previous two outings designed explicitly to pander to the basest desires of teenage boys. On the basis of the Super Bowl spot, it’ll actually go out of its way to answer as many questions as possible. Questions like these
1) What happened between Transformers 2 and Transformers 3?
Fans of the Transformers franchise will remember that, after a mighty struggle at the end of the last film, the Autobots saw off the deadly threat of the Decepticons, and Shia LaBeouf went back to college. Since then, there’s clearly been a downturn. Some cars are on fire, the sky is filled with smoke and cinematographer Amir Mokri has decided to adopt the palette from the last Harry Potter film, where everyone just sat around in a tent looking a bit glum for two and a half hours. Whatever happened, it can’t have been too jolly.
2) How is Shia LaBeouf doing?
Not good. Look at him, all grimy and distraught. “What am I doing here?” he seems to be asking as he looks around at the bleak surroundings. “I’m probably not even going to get to simulate sexual intercourse with my girlfriend on top of the giant robot I’ve just befriended while some other giant robots watch, like I did in the first film. This sucks.”
3) After the Autobots saved the world from global calamity in the last film, are they now allowed to parade freely through the streets, or are they still going through the rigmarole of disguising themselves as cars?
It’s the last one. This is either because the Autobots are still ultimately a race of outsiders, and hiding from humans is the only way that they’ll ever truly avoid persecution, or because without several interminable scenes of cars turning into robots, Michael Bay wouldn’t have much of a film.
4) What about Bumblebee? How’s he doing?
Not good. Look at him, all grimy and distraught. “What am I doing here?” he seems to be asking as he holds his head in his hands “I’m probably not even going to get to urinate on an uptight government official in a confusing and awkward comic interlude, like I did in the first film. This sucks.”
5) If the Decepticons were defeated at the end of Transformers 2, then why does everything look so bleak?
It’s hard to tell from this one screenshot, but to save time let’s just say that the events from Battle: Los Angeles have repeated themselves. The exact events. It might not be true, but we’ll save a lot of time and it’s not like it actually matters.
6) How is Megan Fox doing?
Not good. Look at her, all immaculate and clueless. “What am I doing here?” she seems to be asking as a car explodes behind her. “I’m probably being played by a completely different actress with different coloured hair this time. My character might not even be a superfluous, broadly-drawn, offensively objectified sex object with no real purpose whatsoever, like she was in the first two films. This suc… oh, hang on, yes she is. Panic over, everyone.”
7) Will you be able to tell what’s actually going on in the film this time?
Doesn’t look like it, no. Sorry.